I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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