my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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