Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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