worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
