At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i think im in europe. pls send help
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
