So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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