I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
