I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
