you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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