He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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