I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
