I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
