the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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