I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
