Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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