when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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