my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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