Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
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