nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
