She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
