im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
