We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
