My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's shark week go big or go home
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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