All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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