I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
