Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
