Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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