I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
