Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
