I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
