Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
