theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
