I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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