if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
