Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
