I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
