How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
