Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
