I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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