Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
