I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
