They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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