That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She needs sedatives and a leash
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
