I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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