i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
