My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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