My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
