census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
