Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
