I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize