Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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