I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
