Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
