She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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