I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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